All You Need Is Love
(…plus a wee bit more to keep the average relationship healthy, happy, and strong)
By Jarrod Thalheimer
Poets ponder it, musicians sing about it, and actors perform it. We know the aphorisms by heart: love conquers all, all you need is love, love is the answer, and on and on. Is it any wonder most of us have come to believe the only thing a relationship requires is love?
So, what’s with all the divorce and heartbreak out there? Did we all somehow miss a memo? Are we skipping the integral “love” component and wondering what we’re doing wrong? Is it really a lack of love, or is something else going on? Maybe—possibly—there are a few important things missing... things that are just as necessary in constructing the kind of relationship that ultimately fulfills and endures forever. Well, the answer is yes, and because you were smart enough to pick up this amazing issue of BELLA, you get to read about them right now!
Poets ponder it, musicians sing about it, and actors perform it. We know the aphorisms by heart: love conquers all, all you need is love, love is the answer, and on and on. Is it any wonder most of us have come to believe the only thing a relationship requires is love?
So, what’s with all the divorce and heartbreak out there? Did we all somehow miss a memo? Are we skipping the integral “love” component and wondering what we’re doing wrong? Is it really a lack of love, or is something else going on? Maybe—possibly—there are a few important things missing... things that are just as necessary in constructing the kind of relationship that ultimately fulfills and endures forever. Well, the answer is yes, and because you were smart enough to pick up this amazing issue of BELLA, you get to read about them right now!
COMMUNICATION
When your eyes are sparkling with goofy love hearts, it’s easy to forget that the day will come when neither you nor your “Honey Bunny” will feel much like talking to each other. Oh, sure, you can’t keep your lips off each other now, but wait a few months. Add in some daily life, plus assorted gut shots of reality, and watch the magic slump down on the couch. You had a hard day at work, he got into a fight with his mother, and now neither of you feels much like talking about anything. What do you do?
Finding out how you communicate with each other is at least as important as actually doing it. What if he’s a yeller and you’re a thrower? What if both of you are sulkers who turn petty and mean? Not every method of communication is equal—or healthy. Maybe your methods complement each other, but what if they don’t? Both of you must be aligned with whatever each of you needs when it comes to sending messages back and forth. Love alone will not save you from the mixed signals, crossed wires, and unintelligible static that bad communication leaves behind. Get communicating—early and often.
SEXUALITY
In the early days, love (and its novelty) let you skate around a ton of red flags. Talking while eating, messiness, exes, jokes, and even sex are potential problem areas that are often waved away in the excitement of a relationship fresh and new. “We can talk about that later.”
But what happens if your romantic dream of making love in the sunshine on a blanket surrounded by flowers meets his fantasy of whips, ball gags, and underground dungeons? No judgments on either, but differences like that do not often lead to harmony. Talk with each other, and don’t be shy about discussing what happens in the bedroom. It might seem strange to talk about such things in the light of day but understanding what turns each of you on—and, more importantly, off—allows for more sincere intimacy, genuine closeness, and an increased appreciation for each other. Plus, it might just avoid some decidedly awkward realizations at the most delicate of moments. Choose clarity... it’s easier.
KIDS
Coming quick on the heels of the sex stuff (as they so often do) is the kid question. Do you want them or not? How many? How are you going to raise them? What does your life look like with—or without—them?
There is no denying children can complicate a relationship but avoiding direct discussion of them because “we’re in love” is a big mistake.
Kids are the ultimate pressure cooker for a relationship, and any love you share will be tested like never before once you add in the wants, needs, and realities of a child. Take time to figure out where each of you stand on the “mini me” front and give serious thought to the years down the road. Your love for each other may seem real enough today, but does that vision endure when you add in few children and what they give (and take) from your relationship? It’s a question that doesn’t have a right or wrong answer, but one that must be asked and answered, no matter what.
SPIRITUALITY
You believe in heaven and hell, saints, and angels, while she adheres to Mother Earth, wood nymphs, and more pagan-centric rituals. No one says you can’t make it work, but unlike the oft-repeated mantra, “diversity is our strength,” it can lead to conflicts as well. No one is suggesting that individual beliefs or faith must become lockstep with another, but religious differences have been known to cause a dispute or two over the last few thousand years of human history. Thinking such things couldn’t harm your relationship is delusional.
Discuss each of your beliefs and seek to understand them. Discover all you can about the faith or spiritual practices of the person you love. One of two things will happen: either you will become closer and love them even more, or it will cause you to drift apart—both of which are important to realize.
FAMILY
This isn’t about the family you are building together, it’s about the families you already came from. His is huge and Italian, while yours is small and British. He was raised in the city, while you were reared on a farm. How will they mix? Do you have traditions that complement or conflict?
Your dad is in jail, while hers is a police sergeant downtown. Is that a problem, or not? Talking about and even bringing your families together is a huge part of testing the love you both share. The strains produced—or the bonds created—will go a long way toward clarifying the future you hope to share with each other.
MONEY
This is the least discussed, yet the one that looms largest of all when it comes to the success or failure of couples in love. Most of us hate talking about money. It’s too serious, boring, even icky. The trouble is we live in a society that is almost completely constructed around monetary principles and actions, which means every big decision you will make together, now or down the road, will likely have money somewhere near the center of it. Make the effort and dig in; figure out where the buck stops and how your finances are going to work. The only thing harder to share than a bed is a bank account. Find a way to work this calculation out, and you’ve made an investment in the future that will pay dividends like never before.
