Collaborative Divorce Preserves the Family’s Health

By Dr. Julie Davelman and Sylvia L. Breitowich Esq.

Going through a divorce is one of the hardest things that may happen to a family.  How the spouses handle the process may be the most important factor in determining how everyone functions afterwards.  Collaborative Divorce allows the family to proceed through this difficult time with a lot of support and in the healthiest way possible. Here are 5 things you need to know about Collaborative Divorce:

What is Collaborative Divorce?

In Collaborative Divorce, a team works together to help the family create the best life they can after the divorce.  A key element of Collaborative Divorce is that the family retains full decision-making power in a non-adversarial environment with the team as their assistants. First, each spouse chooses an attorney who is trained in Collaborative Divorce.  These attorneys, along with the spouses, form the core of the team.  Then, the team chooses a divorce coach - a mental health professional trained in Collaborative Divorce, to guide the team effectively through the process.  The divorce coach helps the spouses manage difficult emotions when working together and handles many of the parenting issues. A financial neutral - someone who can assess the family’s monetary status may also be involved. The goal of the team is to come up with a divorce agreement that meets the family’s goals rather than pits them against each other. 

What is the benefit of Collaborative Divorce over other methods?

Collaborative Divorce starts out by setting the spouses on the same side with the mutual goal of dissolving the marriage, while retaining full control over process and speed.  This contrasts with litigation, where the spouses are adversaries, and the process proceeds on the court’s schedule. Litigation often introduces months of delays that translate into a substantial increase in cost, added stress and exacerbated conflicts.  Importantly, the judge does not know the unique circumstances of a particular family.   In Collaborative Divorce the solutions can be tailored to meet the family’s needs.  The Collaborative Divorce process is also completely confidential. Nothing is filed with the court until an agreement is reached.  The family benefits from this flexibility while also having the protection of receiving whatever they are entitled to by law. 

Collaborative Divorce also differs from mediation.  The mediator, although a neutral third- party selected to assist the spouses in reaching a resolution, is not permitted to provide legal advice.  As a result, the parties are in a position where they will debate their wants or demands with their spouse in hopes of reaching a resolution.  However, they are often doing so blindly, without knowing what their rights are, which may result in settlements that are in no one’s best interest.  A mediator, while being able to provide some guidance, cannot advise a party to accept or reject a deal.  To avoid this problem, many spouses choose to have attorneys present.  However, if both sides hire attorneys, the number of professionals equals those in the Collaborative Divorce process, but without the added benefits Collaborative Divorce provides.  The mediator’s ultimate goal is to help the spouses reach a compromise rather than a resolution that is right for the family.  In contrast, the Collaborative Divorce team’s objective is to generate a solution that is optimal for the family.  The Collaborative Divorce process also facilitates a feeling of transparency since all deciding conversations are had together. This is a big advantage over mediation, where frequently each spouse is in a separate room with the mediator going between them.  Parties can often leave mediation feeling like they were left out of the process and remained adversaries.  

Who benefits from Collaborative Divorce?

The entire family benefits from using a process that focuses on maintaining respect among the parties.  However, the benefits are especially great for the children of the family.  Collaborative Divorce allows the parents to develop a parenting plan that they are both comfortable with, and that they helped construct.  While the family is still guided by what is in the children’s best interests, there is more room for creative and child-focused resolution that takes into consideration more than just how many minutes is spent with each parent.  Also, by nature of keeping everyone working as a team, the parents are likely to come out of the process understanding the need for co-parenting, which also benefits the children in the long run.  The divorce coach can work with the parents on strategies to minimize the impact of the divorce on the children and can help the parents transition to providing two healthy homes for them.

Who is a good candidate?

Many people believe that this method of divorce can only be utilized by people who get along.  However, that is not the case, as most couples can take advantage of the benefits of Collaborative Divorce.  Although collaboration implicitly requires working together, even high conflict parties benefit from Collaborative Divorce and are, arguably, among the best candidates.  Litigation naturally sets the stage for conflict. Collaborative Divorce works to deescalate the conflict and educate parties on how to reach resolution despite the conflicts that exist.  People with mental health or substance abuse histories also benefit greatly from the added support of the divorce coach both as a resource in the room and as someone with expertise in setting up supports that they may need after the divorce to stay healthy.  Additionally, those couples who value their privacy make great candidates because nothing outside of the final settlement becomes part of the public record. Since Collaborative Divorce is about putting the needs of the family first and helping spouses complete their divorce in a supportive atmosphere, anyone who values this and can commit to this process is a good candidate.  Only couples with a history of domestic violence are excluded from the process.

What about the cost?

People worry that using a team to reach a divorce agreement, as is done in Collaborative Divorce, is more expensive. However, the opposite is true since Collaborative Divorce eliminates the most expensive part of divorce - the fight for the sake of the fight.  Lawyers are not engaging in letter writing campaigns back and forth that the spouses pay for.  Nor, are they spending hours sitting in the courthouse waiting to be seen by the judge.  Instead, they are setting up meetings to address the issues head on and reach a resolution that works.

The use of a divorce coach and a financial neutral is also ultimately a money saver, as it allows everyone to do their niche job, rather having the attorneys do everything.  For example, the divorce coach has more extensive expertise in designing parenting plans than an attorney may have.  Additionally, using a divorce coach and a financial neutral prevents the family from the need of each side to hire experts since, due to their neutral status, all recommendations are brought to the table and discussed.  Parties do not find themselves in the “battle of the experts” at a significant cost to the family as well as lost time. 

For additional information, please check out the New Jersey State Council of Collaborative Groups Website: CollaborateNj.org/