Peeing in my Pants and Staying F**kable…Basically Naomi Watts and I are the Same

By Cindy Morris

So I’m sitting in the audience of the Drew Barrymore Show listening to Brooke Shields and Naomi Watts teach me about menopause and I’m thinking about how dumb this is. Why am I listening to two actresses without medical degrees talk about menopause?

And then I realized it’s because these two women are doing something risky and scary and groundbreaking. By admitting that they are menopausal, they are telling the world that they are getting old while they work in an industry that demands that women appear “fuckable” at all costs. That’s not my term. It's theirs.

And according to all the literature, pop-culture, our society and my own self-doubts, getting old means becoming unfuckable.

In Hollywood that means not getting hired or not being a leading lady. But I’m a single, middle-aged mother and entrepreneur living in the suburbs of Long Island. No one cares if I’m fuckable but me. I’m only the leading lady in my own life, and my career’s success is certainly not based on it.

I’m watching them have their mascara applied by a man (who looked oddly like a young Johnny Depp) wearing an apron full of brushes and make-up while they chat in commercial breaks, and I am reminded why I will never look like them. I’m one person managing a team at home and a team at work. They have an entire team that manages their one person. What a freeing moment to recognize that and forgive myself for never wearing eye liner and not knowing how to walk in heels. But also, what a moment to realize what it means for them to appear “fuckable” at all costs, and to recognize the risk these women are taking when they talk about getting old, having dry vaginas and night sweats. When I talk about it, people just wonder why I insist on bringing up these embarrassing and “inappropriate” things. When they do it, they risk their livelihood and public identity. When I talk about it on LinkedIn, I question if anyone will ever want to hire my consulting agency again, but let’s just put away the self-doubt for a moment.

For one moment, let’s assume that we are all still fuckable.

Even in that case, I am still wondering why I am listening to Naomi Watts teach me about Hormone Replacement Therapy.

And then I am riding the train home and start to read her new book that they gave us at the taping.

And she talks about UTIs, incontinence and perimenopause. WHAT???

I am literally going to the doctor the next day to prepare for a surgery because I can’t stop peeing in my pants when I cough, laugh or, G-d forbid, sneeze. Running and jumping when I workout… that’s laughable… and that just makes me pee more! (Yes, I just admitted that on LinkedIn). Naomi Watts pees in her pants and gets UTIs too???

Now, Naomi Watts is no doctor, but she has me crying on the Long Island Railroad because she believes that as a woman I am NOT expected to just silently suffer (or pee in my pants). Oh, and by the way, because I do tell people that I pee in my pants, I’m not surprised by the number of women who also pee in theirs. We almost all do this!!! So you should know that Naomi Watts doesn’t think that you should suffer either, and basically we are all the same as Naomi Watts.

And that is why I am not only having a surgical procedure done to stop my "piddling" as Drew Barrymore called it, but I am also writing about it here because women don’t just suffer without getting medical assistance. We also suffer by doing work that we don’t thrive in, by prioritizing our partners and children’s interests instead of having hobbies and relationships of our own, and by accepting abusive behaviors targeted at us personally and professionally.

So here is the deal. I don’t know if Naomi Watts is right about HRT or the symptoms of menopause or anything else she wrote about in her book, but I do know that she is right that women aren’t supposed to just suffer because the things we are suffering with are hard to talk about. I figure that if Naomi Watts and Brooke Shields can talk about becoming unfuckable in Hollywood on the Drew Barrymore Show just because they are experiencing the normal parts of aging as a woman, then I can talk about it on LinkedIn.

Maybe the thing that makes us all more fuckable is removing our shame and embarrassment. I remember talking to my postman a few years ago. He was telling me he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was scared to have the surgery because he may become incontinent. I empathized with him, but told him that if women made medical decisions based on that fear, none of us would have babies. We just don’t talk about it.

And now you know that I pee in my pants. And that I say fuck (my father would not be proud).

But what if we all knew that we all peed in our pants? OK–maybe that’s a big jump. How about if we just all decided not to feel shame and instead to share and empathize with each other? What if we prioritized ourselves just a little?

According to Naomi Watts (and some doctors she interviewed), we probably would have stronger mental health, less anxiety, more communal attitudes of support, and better relationships. That seems like a pretty good trade off.

I mean it almost sounds like we’d be pretty damn fuckable.