Why This Gift?
By Dr. Julie Davelman
When you open your mailbox and see a glossy advertisement magazine full of everything you might have ever wanted, you know the holiday season has arrived. The holidays are made both beautiful and stressful by the desire to give the perfect gift. But in the rush to make it “perfect,” we rarely pause to think about the message we are trying to communicate with our gifts. Even more importantly, we rarely try to anticipate the reaction that our gift will elicit in the person for whom it is intended, and as a result, may miss the mark. So, let’s slow down and examine the process of gift selection.
People often trivialize gift-giving because somehow wanting a gift has become synonymous with being spoiled or shallow. But a gift is an opportunity to show someone that they are special. Even before you decide on a specific gift, consider what message you want to send. The possibilities are endless, but let’s look at some common ones.
If you are trying to send the message that you think of this person often, consider a series of small, token gifts collected throughout the year that remind you of that person.
When you open your mailbox and see a glossy advertisement On the other hand, if you want to emphasize someone’s importance to you, an extravagant present may be just the thing. Your commitment to making this gift happen through saving and foregoing things that you could have bought for yourself will demonstrate that you prioritized this. Want the person to have something unique or show them how much effort and time they are worth to you? Consider making the gift yourself. Finally, if you would like to express that you are looking for ways to make the other person’s life easier, think about a utilitarian gift. One message is not better than another, but it is important that you consider the message that you are trying to send and match the gift to it.
Congratulations, you have settled on the message; now what? It is important to not only think about the message you want to send but how it will be received. Let’s say someone who devotes a lot of time to housework is given a utilitarian gift, for instance, a high-end vacuum cleaner. You intended to send the message, “I would like your life to be easier.” But in getting this gift, that special someone may wonder if you see anything in them other than a “cleaning machine.” Thus, the thoughtfulness of the message is lost because the receiver’s perspective was not considered.
Before deciding on the gift, it is important to examine what will be important to the person receiving the gift. For example, if the person you gave the vacuum cleaner to thinks that spending time together is most important, then an appliance, whose use is almost always a solitary activity, may be poorly received. Instead, a gift of a joint experience would likely hit the right note. On the other hand, for a very practical person who is constantly frustrated by the ineffectiveness of their existing vacuum cleaner, but who refuses to get a new one because the old one works, unwrapping a state-of-the-art machine may be a very pleasant surprise. In contrast, an experience gift might be poorly received because it will leave less time to get vacuuming done with a bad vacuum. The takeaway is that considering what the other person values will help steer you in the right direction.
But what if you realize that the message you are trying to communicate differs significantly from what you think the receiver may hear? Consider one of these two paths. Your first option is to be creative about saying what you want in a way that will be understood. For example, if it is important for you to communicate that you want to spend more time together, but the receiver is feeling overwhelmed with life tasks and will feel resistant to spending time doing a “leisure activity,” then perhaps you can find an experience that provides useful knowledge, helping make the receiver’s life easier. For instance, a cooking class together may serve both purposes. Alternatively, you can decide that making the receiver happy is the most important part of the gift, and thus prioritize their interpretation over your intended message.
At the end of the day, if you are thoughtful both about what you want to say and what the other person is likely to hear, you will have made great strides toward coming up with a meaningful gift.
