Eating Disorders Don’t Just Disappear When You Have a Baby
By Hope Virgo, Author and Founder of #DumpTheScales + Author of “You Are Free?”
“Do it for your baby.” “It’s not that hard, just add an extra snack for your baby.” “Come on you don’t want them to see you struggling over food.”
The statements echoed through my brain as I sat there in NICU clutching my little boy. The 3 days had been a complete whirlwind. I had come in on Sunday with reduced movements, had him scanned, found out he was too small (whatever that meant!), come back on the Tuesday morning sat there watching the scan with my little boy barely moving. Sent for more monitoring and then told at 37 weeks I was going to need an emergency induction that day. I hadn’t had time to process any of what had happened, and the guilt I was feeling already as I looked down at him. Taking every inch of him in so in love with him, but feeling like after him being out of tummy for those few hours I had already failed him.
You only have to scroll on Instagram for 30 seconds to see the expectations put on parents, but the reality is and something few acknowledge properly is the difficulties of becoming a parent. Your life literally turns upside down and whilst for me, Joshua was perfect, and I loved him so much the pressure I was putting on myself was huge. On top of that, navigating wider family politics, realising how you as an individual are changing, and then throw in an eating disorder and you have this perfect storm brewing. I remember sitting down to play with Joshua one evening and all I was thinking about was calories. I couldn’t be in the moment with him, and I felt wrong in myself again like I had failed him. It is in these vulnerable moments when emotion is high, when you are sleep deprived and feeling uncertain that eating disorders can seduce you back in. They tell you to fixate on certain behaviours, telling you that if you restrict, then everything will be fine. Eating disorders are still highly stigmatised with people often seeing them as a lifestyle choice, a phase someone goes through or someone being difficult. There is also this huge misconception that they are about body image. These stigmas, especially when you have a child left me feeling completely isolated and alone with my thinking.
Renee McGregor, a leading Sport and Eating Disorder Dietician, told me, ‘I often see women who have recently become mothers in our clinic. Motherhood is a time of transition, not to mention fluctuating hormones, reduced sleep and responsibility for a baby that is not predictable. For many women who may have been “functional” with their eating disorder prior to having a baby due to having set routines and always trying to live with certainty, becoming a mum change all this and this is why even someone who has previously been well or functioning will often return back to behaviours that provide them with a false sense of security.’
Whilst people can and do fully recover from eating disorders, recovery can be different things at different times and will look different to people. Recovery in those first few weeks since Joshua was born was choosing to rest as my body needed it, choosing to eat more even though I was barely moving, choosing to let others cook for me, having that extra snack and choosing to sit with how this has emotionally made me feel. And since then it has been choosing to reframe things, challenge beliefs and also accept my body. It’s been choosing to communicate through words and not using eating disorders behaviours to suppress those emotions. Recovery is hard work at times, but I believe the more we challenge the behaviours, challenge the fear, and sit with this the easier it gets.
Even after those first few months with a newborn, there are still challenges and pressures you put on yourself. Things that the eating disorder does to try and pull you back in. Ways that it makes you feel that you think it is the solution to everything.
It’s not easy being in recovery from an eating disorder, and being a parent alongside that is tough. But there are things you can do to help alleviate some of the feelings;
Have distractions in play. Joshua is brilliant at offering these distractions after meal times and helping me get out my own head.
Reminding yourself why you want to get well or stay well. Knowing your whys doesn’t necessarily take away the pain of recovery but it really helps keep you keep focussed in those really hard moments.
Knowing your triggers: for me when Joshua is unwell I have to be really mindful of how things are with my mental health and realise that even in the uncertainty the eating disorder won’t solve anything.
Talking: whether that’s at a support group or to family or friends find your tribe. Show your vulnerabilities and create space for yourself as you matter.
Self care: ugh that word! I hate it and with a baby the candles go out the window and sometimes selfcare literally is taking of a jumper covered in poo and swiping sick out your hair with a wet wipe. But find what works for you whether 5 minutes of journaling, or some space to breath!
Then beyond this, we need a space to actually work on our recovery and what that looks like.
Renee McGregor says: “I think helping an individual appreciate the purpose of their behaviour is critical. When you lose your sense of identity, you may be driven to attain your worth in our ways and this is where fixation on body image or eating in a particular way may provide a false sense of control. We often work with Mums to help them appreciate the true value of food – not just nutritional value but also the impact food has with social connection but also how healthy behaviours round food can support good role modelling for their children. A lot of the work that needs to be done is not created self-imposed rules and beliefs about food – no one food is going to cause you harm or change your body. However, the only way to provide yourself with evidence and knowledge that these beliefs don’t stand is to challenge them. While there will be a feeling associated with this challenge, this doesn’t mean that the feeling is fact or truthful.”
Having an eating disorder when you are a parent doesn’t make you a bad parent, but I encourage you not to settle and to keep pursuing recovery and the freedom it brings.
@HopeVirgo
