Finding My Voice by Stacy Ross, author of the forthcoming memoir, Searching for Slippers.

For many years I lost myself. Raising a child with mental illness consumed every waking  moment. Add to that two more children, a husband, two dogs, and a snake named Mr.  Slithers, and my sleep was pretty much called for as well. Then came 2020. We were shut in,  shut up and shut down. But for me, COVID gave me space to find myself again. There I sat  day after day, telling my story to the empty pages of my laptop without judgment, pity, or unsolicited advice. As the months stretched endlessly, the pages piled up.  

By the time I got my vaccine, I had close to 200 pages chronicling my “coming of age” journey  raising Fin (now 28) who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at age 18.  BPD, an adult diagnosis, and characterized by “enduring maladaptive behavior” made every  one of Fin’s interactions difficult for him, and in turn all of us. Finding the right diagnosis was  just one piece of the puzzle. From there we worked on medication, treatment, support, and on  and on. BPD has no cure, and treatment demands a dedication that Fin wouldn’t commit to  instead leaving us living from crisis to crisis - always waiting for the next shoe to drop.  

I considered going back to the marketing consulting job I left almost two years earlier. But  what would happen to my manuscript? Would it just be left for my kids to find one day? 

Enter social media. As I was scrolling one day I noticed a former colleague was publishing a  book from a local, boutique publisher. I took a chance and left a message. Much to my  surprise, the owner of Inspired Girl Publishing called me back! A short, elevator pitch turned  into an hour long conversation at the end of which Jenn asked me to send her my manuscript. 

“I wouldn’t call it a manuscript,” I warned. 

“Just send me whatever you have.” 

With my finger hovering I took a deep breath before pressing send. I hadn’t shared what I  considered a mish mosh of pages with anyone. But I had nothing to lose. 

A few days later Jenn set up a second call.  

“I read over what you wrote. This story needs to be told. We publish two memoirs a year and  we’d like you to be one of them” 

Unsure I heard correctly, I asked her to repeat herself…..several times. 

“We’d like to publish your book”  

Shortly thereafter, with a story to tell and Jenn’s help I was a guest on two podcasts, Cornell  Thank U, and Mom Boss Chronicles. I told my story with the same honesty I had written it.  From the overwhelming response I knew I touched a nerve and I wanted to do more. I started  speaking locally, pairing my experience with research. Although I instinctively knew my story  wasn’t unique, I didn’t expect the numbers I uncovered to be so staggering;  

8.7 million households have a child with mental illness - ages 3-17  

8.4 million people provide care to an adult with mental illness.  

That’s over 17 million parents and caregivers!  

With so many of us out there, why do we feel so alone, isolated, and without a voice?

To begin with, raising a child with mental illness is all encompassing. From the early balancing  act of wondering if a behavior is typical, or if it is something to be concerned about. To finding  a diagnosis, determining a path forward, setting up treatment, and building a medical team.  Top it off with the almost daily advocacy needed to ensure your child gets the school based  support agreed upon. And like clockwork, just when you think you have it all figured  out…..something changes. A new school year. A medication adjustment. A new symptom.  Aging out of the system. 

None of this even touches on life in the home. Feelings of guilt, frustration, and anger born out  of countless nights of yelling, unfinished homework, slammed doors, and tiptoeing around. And  always that worry for the other kids. The ones who try so hard not to add any problems to an  already full plate. Far from being the house all the neighborhood kids gathered as I had always  dreamed, I spent many nights worrying twins Leo and Emily would leave home for college and  never come back.  

Celebrations and milestones became a luxury just out of reach. One New Year’s Eve instead of  a party, the police came over after Fin locked himself in his room and broke a window. One  month before high school graduation Fin was expelled for sharing his anti-anxiety meds with a  friend. A misguided kindness he should have known better than, and one he paid dearly for.  For these stories and many more I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. 

Over time, I found peace. Today the shoes keep falling, but I’ve learned to soften the blows. My  husband, Howard and I enjoy the quiet of an empty nest, and both Leo and Emily come home  whenever they can. As for Fin, today things are good. We have set boundaries and for the  most part they work. But I am often reminded I’m never more than one phone call away from  the next crisis.  

While I can’t offer solutions that will fix everything, I want listeners who come to hear my story  to leave feeling more empowered and hopeful than when they sat down. I’ve had the luxury to  reflect on what has worked for me and I found a common thread in a single word - HONESTY.  

At every point in my life where I found real healing, a step forward, or a detour in a better  direction, HONESTY was at the core. HONESTY with myself, my family, my friends, my  therapist, and even Fin. It is the most treasured part of my coping toolbox and one I share with  audiences wherever I speak. 

Healing Through Honesty 

Honoring your truth. Give air to what is going on in your household. So many times we hope  it will go away. We try to ignore. Only by facing it head on can we truly begin to deal with it.  

Owning your situation This is about advocacy. Only you know the particulars of your  situation and what will work best. Remember that. Speak up and fight for it. Own it. 

Noticing the details. Pay attention to changes in behavior of your loved one. Is a medication  change needed? Have their daily texts suddenly gone silent? Noticing the details early on can  sometimes head off a larger crisis. 

Empowering yourself. Research. Research. Research. Learn about your loved one’s  diagnosis. Learn all the treatments out there. Understand your rights at the local, state, and  federal level. It will help you get all the support needed and you are entitled to.  

Sharing your burden. Find your support. It lessens your load both on a daily basis, as well as  in times of crisis. What you share now is less to explain in an emergency, when timing may be  critical or life threatening. It also gives you the safety net you need. Support comes in many forms - .friends, family, therapists, in-person support groups, on-line support groups. Find  what works for you. 

Telling your story. I speak from experience that this helps. Write, talk, draw. Find a way to tell  your story. It is the cheapest therapy around. It unburdened me in ways I never imagined. It  also helps others feel less alone, encouraging them to tell their story….and so on. 

You matter. Perhaps the most important. Raising a child with mental illness requires all of us  and more. Remember you are no good to our child until you are good to yourself. Find the self  care that works for you - running, yoga, mediation, time with friends, date nights,.  

Through talking to whoever will listen, I hope to continue to give voice to this group - my group.  Our stories need to be told. Shared between us to help build community and reduce the  isolation we all feel. Shared with others to eradicate the shame and guilt by reducing the  stigma of mental illness. Parents and patients are inextricably linked and by helping the parents  we reach our ultimate goal of helping the patient.  

About the Author: 

Stacy Ross is an author, speaker, and a mother of a child/adult with mental illness. With raw  honesty, Stacy openly shares her twenty-seven year journey hoping to start a discussion that  will help others feel validated, and less isolated. 

Stacy gives voice to and creates community for parents who are often battling it out alone. She  empowers them with coping skills and resources. Stacy is currently penning a memoir,  Searching for Slippers.