"Dear Sexpert," with Heather Florio
By Heather Florio
Heather Florio, CEO, and second-generation owner of Desert Harvest is at the forefront of developing natural-origin, scientifically proven Aloe Vera-infused supplements and skincare products that effectively support individuals dealing with interstitial cystitis and other sexual health, pelvic, urologic, and women’s health issues. Desert Harvest has expanded its product line to include pelvic health tools, showcasing its commitment to serving its customers with a comprehensive range of solutions.
For nearly thirty years, Desert Harvest has been an advocate for change in women’s healthcare through medical research and product innovation. Heather’s expertise and passion are rooted in helping to educate and develop solutions for these chronic and debilitating issues and support the underrepresented suffering from these symptoms. In better learning and understanding our own bodies, we can become our own best advocates and experts for healing.
QUESTION:
I’ve never been able to orgasm through penetrative sex. Why is that?
ANSWER:
First of all, you are not alone. Not only are you not alone, this experience is common and normal.
It is important to note that sexual experiences and responses can vary greatly among individuals, and there is no universal percentage that applies to those with a vagina. However, various studies have indicated that a significant number of those with vaginas and vulvas do not achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The focus on the external genital area and clitoral stimulation as well as other forms of sexual activity, along with emotional and psychological factors, often play important roles in sexual satisfaction.
The Kinsey Institute, a renowned research institute specializing in human sexuality, has conducted numerous studies on various aspects of sexual behavior and has provided valuable insights into human sexuality. According to a recent Kinsey Institute study that surveyed more than 1,400 cisgender women, on average, said they reach orgasm only 31-40% of the time through intercourse in general. That number does increase through assisted intercourse ( i.e. using toys or clitoral stimulation), but it is important to note that this information is greatly variable and as personal to the individual as the preferences and spectrum of sexuality itself.
There are, however, structural and muscular reasons why many of those with vaginas, vulvas and clitorises prefer assisted intercourse or cannot climax from penetrative sex alone.
The pelvic hammock and vaginal muscles are an interweb of connected muscles, ligaments, and nerves, all playing an important and interconnected role in the health of our organs, pelvis, and also contributing to our sexual health and how we orgasm.
In Ingrid Harm-Ernandes’, P.T., W.C.S. book, The Muscular Skeletal Mystery: How to Solve Your Pelvic Floor Symptoms, she explains,
“The outermost layer of the pelvic region is comprised of the bulbocavernosus, ischiocavernosus, and superficial transverse peroneal. The bulbocavernosus is particularly important for females during penetrative vaginal sex because it surrounds the vaginal canal, attaches to the clitoris, and contributes to orgasm. Because it surrounds the vaginal canal, I like to think of the bulbocavernosus, in particular, as the ‘guardian of the vaginal canal.’
When the bulbocavernosus muscle flexes, tightens, or contracts, it narrows the opening of the vagina. This can happen voluntarily (for example, when you practice Kegel exercises) or reflexively as a protective response (like a guardian closing down the gates). When our body acts to protect itself from harm, this is generally beneficial. Thinking again about the fight or flight response, there are many involuntary behaviors our body performs when our brain perceives that something painful is about to happen. For example, when we sense the threat of violence, we might raise our arms to cover our head or we might clench our fists and draw our arms closer to our body in a defensive position.
In the same way, the bulbocavernosus, being “the guardian of the vaginal canal,” can reflexively tighten in response to something your brain perceives as potentially painful. This protective response could be beneficial in certain situations, but at the pelvic floor, it can also lead to complications such as sexual dysfunction.”
When we begin to understand how interconnected this pelvic hammock is in determining our health and sexual experiences, we understand that orgasm through vaginal penetration is anything but simple. The quality of your orgasms may be a surprising benefit of training your pelvic muscles.
Another reason why we may often overlook the vaginal orgasm is because the clitoris, sensitive to the touch with a newly estimated 10,000 nerve endings (at least double that of a penis), and a rich blood supply, plays an important part in the sexual experience of those with a vagina and clitoris. The clitoris, made up of three components, the glans clitoris being the only visable part of the organ, actually extends deep into the vagina and vulva. One could argue that having a vaginal orgasm is in fact being stimulated by clitoral nerve endings.
And while there is much debate over whether the elusive G Spot, the exploration and experimentation of vaginal stimulation may be helpful in helping to stimulate a deeper penetrative orgasm.
Finding Your G Spot and A Spot
What is commonly termed the G-spot, is part of the clitoral network positioned a couple inches on the front wall of the vagina, while the A Spot is a couple more inches above near the cervix, also along the front wall of the vagina. These spots can be elusive, but for some pressing on the outside of the lower abdomen can stimulate the G-spot, while stimulating the A Spot can be achieved through deeper penetration and tilting a wand, dildo or penis towards the direction of the belly button.
The best way to know if external abdominal stimulation works for you is to explore, with or without a partner. Adding penial or dildo penetration, simultaneously explore your abdomen, focusing on areas just above your pelvic bone, until you find that spot that works just for you.
Tip: Try putting a couple of pillows under your abdomen in the Doggie Style position for unencumbered abdominal pressure, that when combined with penetration and clitoral stimulation might be off-the-charts orgasmic.
Note: People experiencing pelvic pain should avoid the G-spot abdominal pressure technique, as this may exacerbate pelvic pain conditions and symptoms.